Jun

24

WakeUpLive.com presents: “Interpersonal Creativity; The art of Bringing the Best Out of Others”

June 24, 2009 |

How does one live a life of passion? Life has taught me that I am most passionate when being creative. Having a passionate life involves actively designing my day, my week, and my year in a way that expresses who I am, my deepest values as well as my talents. We also have the ability to design relationships by treating others the way we want to be treated and by leading conversations and other forms of relating to higher ground.

Just as a musician can create a song and an artist can create a painting, we can develop interpersonal creativity. It is as important as any other kind of creativity, especially if we want to live our lives with passion. What do I mean by interpersonal creativity? Most of us go through life being interpersonally passive, reacting to those around us. If they do what we wish and make us feel comfortable, then everything is fine. However, the minute the other person does not fit our agenda, we react, either by trying to manipulate that person or by giving up or withdrawing.

The problem with this approach is that sooner or later (and probably sooner!) someone will become a source of disappointment, anger, or sadness to us and our natural energy and life enthusiasm will begin draining away. We cannot depend on others to fit our agenda in order to be happy, wealthy, or fulfilled. The challenge for all of us is that our ancestors have not, on the whole, been great role models for interpersonal creativity. Reactivity has been the norm.

When I got married 22 years ago, I had no idea how ill-equipped I was to create a healthy marriage, one where both partners thrived and felt alive. Reactivity ruled. If my wife was pleased with me, my world was great; if she was angry or disappointed, I would usually return her anger or indignation. This would lead to more of the same patterns as one person would react to the other. Our life energy drained as did our enthusiasm for each other. There was a silver lining though. Through our trials and tribulations I learned that, as a marital partner, I have influence! Yes, I can actually convert a negative interaction into an opportunity to shift gears and bring out the best in my wife as well as myself.

Early in our marriage we had conflicts that got uglier and uglier as we continued to react. A therapist helped us chronicle the anatomy of an escalated conflict. Both of us felt justified in our reactivity and from our own point of view, we were absolutely correct. He helped us realize that we each had had many chances, (at least a dozen each from beginning to full escalation of conflict) to make a different choice that would have changed the whole trajectory of the interaction. I had the power of positive influence but was wasting it on doing the immediate tension-reductive response, which ensured me of having more of exactly what I did not want from my wife. My marriage has now become a phenomenally useful arena in which I can learn how to be creative. Despite the fact that I sometimes forget to use my creative power, my interpersonal creativity muscles are growing. It is exciting and empowering to bring love, acceptance, and humility to a conflict that was laden with anger, judgment, and ego.

It makes common sense that the less energy we expend on maintaining conflict and keeping people limited, the more energy we have to fulfill our incredible potential in this lifetime. I have been a licensed marriage and family therapist and sex therapist for 22 years. I still get excited when I see partners who realize that it does not pay to be a victim. It is far more rewarding to take responsibility for maintaining negative interactions and then to choose, sometimes contrary to what our feelings are telling us, to do a constructive, uplifting behavior. I will always welcome those moments when a partner decides to stop protecting his or her own interests and truly listen to the other. No matter what pain the partner is feeling, I see softness and relief begin to return to the face. Everyone wins.

I am just as passionate when I counsel business leaders and managers in ways to evoke excellence in employees and co-workers. Leaders need to create an interpersonal environment that maximizes the probability that their employees will be inspired and motivated to do their best. Inwardly perceiving an employee as a failure, for example, is a surefire way to keep that employee limited. Leaders need to pay attention to how they perceive their staff and need to understand what a great effect their thinking as well as their words and behavior have on employee productivity. The workplace as well as marriage is a great arena in which to grow and to develop and bring more of ones highest self to the world.

I know that developing my own business has been a great character builder. I have run into many dead-end streets on the road to business success. The greatest thing I have learned is to be passionate about other peoples success and well-being. The more I am passionate about their good fortune, the less I have to worry about mine. I remember my early days of attending networking meetings. I was thinking only about how to get new clients. It was so similar to what I would do as a husband with the sole agenda of being perceived as right. I was being egocentric and was receiving more of what I do not want from others. Ben Dean, head of MentorCoach, which is a group that trains therapists to do coaching, taught me a concept that he called “Servant Marketing.” As I market myself, I am serving others. At networking meetings, I am now passionate about giving helpful information to everyone I meet, free of charge. What does that bring out of my fellow networkers? It brings out their trust, their gratitude, and in some cases their desire to hire me to assist them.

The amount of passion I have for life is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy I spend bringing the best out of others. As a husband, business consultant, therapist, speaker, or author, it is clear to me that I am charged with that responsibility. In my CD, Bringing the Best out of Others, I emphasize the importance of not being on automatic when it comes to our perceptions, words, and behaviors. We all need to go against the gravitational pull of reactivity and find within our power to influence. The question I ask myself is, How can I have maximum positive impact? If I dont already know the answer I actually ask the person. It is all up to me whether I live creatively or passively. Interpersonal creativity has been far more rewarding for me, and I highly recommend it!


*** This article was republished with permission from the best-selling Wake Up…Live the Life You Love book series. To hear more information on this book and the book series, go to http://wakeupteleclass.com/.

Author's Bio
Creager, Todd, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a Consultant, Psychotherapist and Speaker who has been in practice for over 24 years. His background, training and continued work in marriage therapy (with a specialty in sex therapy) has been a unique and great complement to his training and work as a business consultant and speaker. He is the director of the Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships. He created the CD " Bringing the Best Out of Others and is currently writing a book of the same name. He also has a DVD titled " Becoming a Success Magnet, Developing Internal Skills of Success.
Address: The Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships, 16052 Beach Blvd. Suite 214, Huntingdon Beach, CA 92647
Phone: 714-848-2288
E-mail: todd@toddcreager.com
Website: www.toddcreager.com

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